What Drives You?

School was a real challenge for me. The academics I mean. I remember in 2nd grade, I had a hard time learning how to read. It didn’t come as quickly as my classmates. I remember my mom and dad telling me that the school had suggested that maybe they should hold me back a grade. That thought devastated me. All my friends where going to 3rd Grade. They would all think I was stupid. I was scared of the social humiliation I would face. I was thrilled to hear that I didn’t have to stay back a grade, but instead, would be pulled out of class from time to time for a one-on-one tutor. They called this “extra help” for students like myself,  a program called “Pathways”. There were two different reasons you would be pulled out of class. The first was if you were gifted. I don’t know what they did in that class. And the other reason is if you..well let’s just say..”struggled”… I was in the second category. I went to the “struggling group”…I mean “Pathways”. From 2nd grade all the way until 8th grade, I would get pulled out of class regularly for this program.  All I wanted was to fit in and prove that I could keep up.  Every time I got pulled out of class, I felt like it was a public declaration that I in fact could not. When I was in 8th grade, I graduated from Pathways. Just in time for high school! I had a chance to try and be normal and to keep up with the classmates around me.  School continued to be a struggle, all the way into my college years. I had this little voice inside of me saying…”keep up…try and be as good as your friends. If you don’t graduate in 4 years with the rest of them, people will think your stupid. They will know how hard school is for you”. These were thoughts going through my head that I didn’t even realize where there. When I graduated from college..these thoughts continued to drive me…”keep up-don’t let them know you struggle with academics”. So I would overcompensate by working hard. I was trying to keep up…with who- I’m not sure…but something was driving me. I tried to outwork everyone around me. I didn’t want my deficiency in academics to show through in the work place. I realized that the scared little girl in 2nd grade, who didn’t want her friends to think she was stupid or less then, was the same girl in her early 20’s who feared the same thing. I believe that God wants us to let go of the thing that has been driving us and allow God to take control. For me, I had to stop trying to prove that I could keep up with everyone and just run the race God has for me. I’m not running against anyone else. He has given me my own race.